Ok, watch this and bear with me. I know it is a nine minute Dane Cook routine and I know that he is not funny and has no jokes. That isn’t the point of this entry. The point is, basically, what is he talking about?
I hold what could be considered a black belt in breaking down and sobbing around. So, I get that part. I get the scene where he is face down on his couch wailing “I did my best!” over and over. But, the rest of it? Who watches themselves cry in the mirror? Who cries and brushes their teeth? Who — and this is highly suspect — answers the phone in the middle of a ‘weep-a-thon’? What is this? If you just tried to call me and I didn’t answer the phone, I was face down on my floor crying like Snoopy. I’m not taking calls.
I watch this clip a lot because it gave me an idea, and it’s one I need help with. I decided that what is really going on here is a very public display of a mental disorder. The idea that everyone is watching you when you drive your car, the sputtering around at the copy machine, all of it. The genius is that the man delivering it is presenting these things as a common experience. He is so very convinced that he is talking to us about events that we can relate to that it becomes surreal. Are there many audience shots in this clip? No, because they are all squirming around in their seats trying to decided whether or not they should laugh.
So, the ideas was, of course, to try to write other monologues in this vein:
“Don’t you hate it when…”
When what? I couldn’t come up with anything. We all do weird, sad stuff. But, I can’t for the life of me come up with anything as good as America’s favorite ‘comic’ standing on a stage in a crowd of thousands of people hyper-performing an ode to his lonely, unhappy behavior and attempting to sell it as though we all spend days alone in our house weeping and hoping that we get caught in the act.
Can you do it? I’m accepting all nine-minute neuroses performance monologues.
“Don’t you hate it when you come home from school and eat a whole container of sour cream with a spoon?”
I don’t know. I have nothing. I did my best.